I finally flew the koo-koo nest...

I have to say that today i totally lost my junk mentally...way out of the normal (lol!!). I was at school and i felt tired, unhappy, and as my friend Drew would say; Debbie Downer. I just dont know what it is, there has been a dark cloud of doom over me for the past three weeks. IDK?? i hate when i feel that way and it really does happen that often but i totally lost myself in the storm. So i was talking to Tucker today and i just lost it and im sure that i scared the crap out of him...lol! i just turned into this emotion bomb that went off on him for some reason. lol! it was funny but at that same time i left really low and crappy. I started crying and yelling and loosing it... he had no warning or anything. It was sweet because he really sounded concerned that i was so upset and that he wanted to help but the distance definitly has become a burden. I missed class because i was crying so freakin bad... thank God i had waterproof mascera on but still my powder looked like it melted off of my face. Tucker kept saying "what do you want me to do??" "Amber, just tell me so that you will stop crying...i hate to hear you cry, it breaks me up to hear it..." I will have to say that after talking to him today i can tell that he has really made a change for me and our relationship, but it is hard to tell him what to do when he doesnt know himself...because i feel like a always have to tell him. When i talked to him tonight though he was calm and reassured me that he wanted to be with me and will try to do what he needs too to make me happy and make our relationship that way too. I told him that i wanted to escape from the norm. I want to go to a spa and get a massage and facial and go to the mountains and just chill in the peace and quite. I just want to put my Uggs on and a BIG soft sweater and jeans with no makeup and get some much needed R&R. I am just on schedule over-load!!! My book is booked til December... i am not even joking!! lol. CRAZY!!! I will just want and things will get better over time......

I HATE BOYS!! let my specify "boys"....

i just dont get it?? why is it that guys just dont understand you as a girl reguardless of how many years you have known them... hello?? when you try to address a problem or something that you have on your mind then they act like after you have gotten it off of your chest that everything is okay and that they dont need to talk about it. then as im house sitting and getting busier he wants to gripe about how i have been working weekends and cant drive to see him... then he thinks that i am getting to busy for him. (little does he know that i not only am working but it is giving me a break from his stupid ass) plus i am making myself money and i dont want to be dependant of anyone but myself. i am working like that so that i can do somethings that i have been thinking about alot... traveling somewhere fun and unforgetable, school stuff, new furniture, and maybe even breast implants. I have been thinking about the last one for a while and think that it would be a great confidence booster and in addition it may not be til after i have children....yet the way that things are looking right now it not happening anytime soon. L.O.V.E is not in the cards at the moment. At least for what i am going through right now. i just need a boost and while watching E! all day today and think that i just need to escape and re-do myself. i am just over this....

There is time to be made up...

I have nt been on here in quite a while.. meaning about 5-6mths. That is a while. I am house sitting and not really being very productive but I have alot on my mind and not many people people who i'd like to share it with. School started about a month ago and unfortunatly i did not get into my education program. (that state exam was all that was standing in my way) i was pretty upset about at the beginning of school but i did find out that i do have options... i am going to double major in Elementary Edu/Special Edu!!! Which i think will be a great thing! I just hope that i can get pass that PRAXIS before January.... crossing my fingers! lol.

Another thing that is happening is that I AM MOVING!!! YEAH!! Behind my grandma Jenkins house! I cannot wait... i am going to hate the packing part of it all but it will be worth it in the end; like so many other things! lol!! Chloe is coming too and she seems excited but i think that she will hate being away from "grandma and paw-paw Beal". She loves them ALOT!! Plus I will be moving the civilization...Greensboro from Julian. I will be near school, work, friends, and most important... family! Ashley and Matteson just moved too and they live right down the street. They are great too!! Matteson just got his first real job since he has graduated!! We are all really excited for him! :) That is pretty much it with them and that part of my life.

Tucker and I are still seeing each other, and things have been pretty good other than our talking situation. I never feel like i can talk to him about somethings when it should not be that way.... if he is my boyfriend then i should be able to tell him anything without regret or question. I dont feel that way though. It is very hard for me and on me. I just dont know what to do about it?? It really stresses me out sometimes... we have been together for about 3 years and we have never talked about being well.. serious. So one night about 2 weeks ago i ask him what he thought about marriage and if he has ever or does ever think about us doing it? He started laughing at me, which made me feel really dumb. May it is just the girl in me to think about that, but 3 years is a long time to be with one person...ya know? Then he said that marriage is the furthest thing from his mind right now and he may not ever get married. That he just did not see the BIG deal of what marriage was all about.... WHAT!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!! When he said that i just could not even believe that he would and could say that!!! He then said that we should live together before we even talk about marriage, and i said NO!! He said that i was being "OLD SCHOOL"... no i am being what i think is right. He then proceeded to get upset with me because i thought it was right and that he should respect me for that... he didnt. Things just have been wierd ever since... idk y? Alot of the time i dont even what to be around him yet i miss him sometimes when i dont hear from him. It just makes me wonder y?? Y me.... will i ever get there with him or any relationship?? It hurts alot...more than he or anyone else could understand.

I just feel alittle empty right now... like there is something missing in my life. i feel happy but then when i try to step back and look at the real picture i think that maybe i am not as happy as i put on for the people around me and myself. Sometimes i just wanna cry and when i start crying i want someone to be there just to listen and hold me... but i dont when i need him/her/them... i just dont get it.. i am a good person with a BIG heart and tons of love to give to someone, yet the one i have doesnt seem to care that it is there.